I need help! I have thought about his for ages have nothing!

[fred79]

I am in a pickle... I'm sure everyone is going to say "oh poor you having to choose between two guys" etc because this is pretty much what I am getting from my friends. I am hoping for someone to just shed some wisdom on my situation for me as I have no family to turn to other than the... super friends... lol Please bare with me it's a long story!

I have an ex. We were together for just over a year but it was a very intense relationship. When it was good it was amazing! We were like the best of friends and planned to laugh and joke and love each other through eternity with marriage and kids etc. However, when it was bad it was treacherous! There was jealousy and tears galore. The thing is... (this is where it gets complicated and a little crappy) his mum killed herself when he was a kid (just old enough to be effected but not old enough to have lots of memories of her)and he has issues about ppl loving him always leaving and abandonment etc... THEN... I was sexually abused as a kid... well all through my childhood by different ppl and was verbally abused by my mum and her boyfriend of 15 years who was also hitting her... a lot. So there is OUR background.

So NOW 6 months after we broke up... I have started seeing someone else who is wonderful in so many ways. He is kind and gentle and caring and everything that any NORMAL person would want. However, he isn't my ex and he drinks a regularly and smokes pot which I am not a fan of. He says he will quit but we'll see. I basically just started this thing with him because I thought it wouldn't get serious and we got along etc and always had chemistry.

So I freaked out and decided that I couldn't commit to the second guy because of fear of getting hurt again. Out of the blue my ex calls and we go out with our old friends and ended up... well you know... I decided it was just a mistake and got that vibe from him too. So I go back to guy 2, decide to try, and it has been a few weeks.

My ex is gutted and has said he wanted me back etc. and that he would get help for his issues which I have already been getting. I love him but I am scared that he is going to hurt me again. I like guy 2 a lot and I can't believe I am doing this to him. I haven't cheated on him but I am doing the wrong thing by him and I feel awful! I really am not a terrible person I am just in a crappy situation and have NO advise!!!

I have been thinking about what to do for weeks and have been telling my ex that I am with this other person and that he just has to deal with it because he can't not want me initially and then change his mind just because someone else does. I can't do this anymore! It's going to soon start to affect my life in so many more ways.

I just want to be happy and loved and in love. Please help me.

[Lovesickidiot]

Hi,

Thank you for your post!
If we can live with a persons imperfections we may grow to love them eventually!
You are no different from anyone else in that most people seek what you seek. Love!
My take on this is that you met the second guy on the rebound and grew closer without being over your ex.
When you met your ex the candle started buring again.
I do not feel that being with either will be a bed of roses but then again no relationship is.
The first guy is insecure and possessive but at the same time loving. While it takes two to tango the disagreements are probably as a result of his insecurity. This isnt necessarily a bad thing and while I do not think he will change a whole lot, the question for you is whether his possessiveness for you is a turn on or a turn off?
The other guy has his good qualities too. For you a friendship that developed further. His habits give you cause for corncern with justification. He probably wont change either.
The question you need to ask yourself is which guy does it for you and on what level?
When you find the answer to this question, you will have the solution!

Good Luck

[fred79]

Thank you for your help! You are absolutely right.

Given that I am 100% still in love with my ex is probably the answer there. He is possessive and insecure but I am jealous and insecure. Not a good match I know but we are both willing to get help or work on it.

I'm ready to wait before jumping back in, to make sure there is progress etc, but he has already deferred uni because he realises that he is under far too much stress to do well at work and uni and give me what I deserve. He has a mortgage so there is some considerable stress on him for a uni student (mature age). However, I will try my best to keep my head from wandering off into fairy land where everything is perfect and remain realistic. I am over the hurt!

Thanks again. it's nice to just have someone back your thoughts up so you know it's not insane

[Lovesickidiot]

I agree with you decision but didnt want to try to influence you too much just in case.

But you are wrong about something!

Being possessive, insecure and jealous makes you two a very good match! If you get into communication mode, you can have deep heart to hearts like nobody else and there may well be plenty of sparks flying between the two of you but that will probably include the bedroom too .
I would say that you both do it for each other!

[fred79]

Oh I do hope you are right. I have just also proven that this is truly what I want. I just read what you said and burst into tears. Good tears! lol I have wanted to allow myself to believe that for a long time. Before guy 2 came along... I kinda just gave up a little. I felt that if I waited for my ex he would lack respect for me and always feel like he can just give up and break up when times got tough. I may have just jolted him into reality by seeing someone else.

I don't know how I am going to break it off with guy 2 though. I can't bare to break his heart and hurt him. I know I have to but it still sucks! The problem is that what my ex lacks is what guy 2 has which is in the bedroom lol but I can't very well base my decision on that! LOL

Thanks again.

[Lovesickidiot]

Talk to your ex before you do anythink.

Yeah it wont be easy with your current bf but we cannot choose who we love, can we?