Desperate for Advice (long story)

[Fortnight]

Okay, I'm ready to pour my heart out. My girlfriend and I have been together for one and a half years now and we're having problems finding stability.

We had a healthy relationship physically and emotionally for about 10 months when we had an opportunity to move in together. I live at home, I'm a student with qualifications who can't find a job in this economy and she comes from a rough background, not involving drugs or alcohol, but poor with no father. A situation came up where my parents would be getting a house and selling it to my sister where I, my sister, and her husband would live. It was quickly agreed upon between the three of us that my girlfriend would live with us semi-secretly, in that it's her house but my parents seem to despise her (on an occasion where I told them she may not have a place to live, they suggested a homeless shelter. Needless to say, I haven't consulted with them since then). She was already losing her apartment due to her room mates moving away so instead of trying to find a new place, she quit her job and started couch-surfing with some friends near the new house. Economy took a dive, my parents lost their house and decided to move into the new house, my sister and boyfriend got an apartment and refused to let me or her stay without paying rent (her prerogative, not complaining). The move took months while she continued staying with friends. Her calls to me were getting more and more depressed and I couldn't go see her as much as either of us would have liked. Then she gives me an ultimatum: Move in with her somewhere within a month or she would leave the state and therefore, me. This is the ten month mark. Being jobless, living at home with school debt and a car I didn't actually own I gave up hope. I drank myself stupid and slept with a friend of mine who had broken up in the same week and was also intoxicated. The next time I saw her, I had everyone lined up to lie for me, even the girl I slept with. I lied and she believed it, but I told her the truth within an hour.

We spent the next couple months trying to work it out, we stayed together through it and even celebrated our anniversary. She got a job in the area and moved in some other friends who needed a room mate. I continued to fruitlessly search for a job. There was constant suspicion, crying, confessed thoughts of suicide and she later admitted trying to use witchcraft on me and the other girl. Things began to settle down and things seemed almost back to normal on valentine's day. She began expressing interest in an engagement ring and I almost got her one, but since she lost her job I gave her the money so she could make rent. 5 months after the incident she breaks up with me out of the blue, saying that she's been harboring suspicion even though I've had as little contact with the other girl as I could being that she's still friends with all my friends (although I had been passively resisting severing all ties with her as she is an old friend). I completely understood and did little to protest, got slapped around a bit and picked up my things and went.

The break up lasted for about a week. She called me often that week, crying and asking why I did it even though during the five months we'd had many long conversations about it (although during the conversations any attempt for me to explain myself met with tears, I quickly gave up trying to explain and just spent the time apologizing and doing everything I could to assure her I loved her and wanted to be with her). The first time I saw her since the break up, as I was dropping off her things she runs off crying. At first I keep unloading her stuff but then I end up chasing after her. She embraces me and says she doesn't want to let me go because she's scared I won't come back (later someone told me she probably wanted me to call her and beg her to take me back after she broke up with me, but since I'm oblivious I had taken the break up at face value). I tried to comfort her, took her inside, and put her to bed.

Now it's a few weeks after that and I'm heading out of the state for a few weeks to look for a job. She had already made arrangements to stay with a friend out there if I do find a job, until we can get a place together. I made these plans to go out of state and find a job while we were broken up so it's a real switcheroo kinda thing. This is the night before I leave and I said good bye to her tonight as we snuggled, she was sobbing because she's scared. She has no money or job now and I have no money to help her with. She may be homeless before I even get back from out-of-state. Deep down I wonder why the breakup didn't work, I'm not in a position where I can take care of her and I won't be for a while. I love her, but it tears me up inside when she cries and struggles with her life while I can't do anything to help. I feel trapped, I don't know if I want to leave or stay because of this feeling of extreme sympathy and duty and worrying about her gets in the way and doesn't let me know what I really feel.

Now my questions. Any general advice is welcome but if you think I should leave please tell me how I can leave while she's in such dire straits. Also advice on whether working this out was a good plan or just doomed from the start. And lastly any observations on the health of the relationship.

I'll be happy to answer any questions you have if you want to know more. Thank you in advance.

[Dezzie]

Are you in love with this girl? If you are then and believe she is the one for you then you will overcome all obstacles and work towards being together. If you have any doubts then no matter how much you may sympathize with her, you will need to end the relationship...not for your sake but for hers. What you're doing is enabling and that will will exacerbate her dependence upon you. She has to focus on getting her life together and you can't keep helping her out with that. I know the economy is bad but there are a multitude of things that she could do to be bringing in money. Did you know that since the start of the recession the number of self-made millionaires has risen? Not all of these have had educations or money to start off with. They had some things in common - drive, determination and a good idea. Creativity is stifled in a situation such as your girlfriends and sometimes it's kinder to leave a person to their own devices where it is literally a case of 'sink or swim'. While you're helping a person you are denying them the opportunity to fight for themselves. When a person has no other alternatives, they have to be creative. Stop worrying about what will happen to her and focus on the more important things...things like your own future and whether you see her in it. If she is the one for you then it's no longer about you or her but about you and her as a team. I hope this helps a bit. You need to do some serious soul searching.

[dancing_through_life]

Hi,
The simple fact you asked if you should leave is enough to know that it's an option you've thought about? You seem quite tied down, and I'm not sure if it's because you love her or beacuae you'd feel too guilty leaving?
People that depressed usually cling on to whatever form of escape and support they have which in turn means they have less chance of finding their own feet-Dezzie said.
The relationship seems to be you giving everything, but what are you getting in return? When I felt guilty about my ex in a similar situation, questions that helped me were; if you though your partner would be fine and not hurt at all, would u leave them? And also, if you imagine yourself in 10 years time, do you see them there?
You're gf sounds like she's in a lot of trouble and without ebing trained to do so, you won't be able to give her the help she needs on you own. If you want to stay together, she needs to be in a fit state of mind to be able to commit to the relationship!
Good luck!

[Lovesickidiot]

Hi,

As I understand it, the girl gave up her job initially to move near you so that she could give the relationship a go. You need to find a job as does she and that has to be your priority. If you love her then you should be with her. Guilt should not come into it. Everyone knows that there are jobs and there is an opportunity for some people to move forward as much for others to descend into drugs and prostitution. It all depends on your frame of mind and outlook. Some people are weak and some are strong and it takes all types to make up the human race. While I do not agree with spoon feeding people, your girlfriend is dependent on you to some extent. And no matter what anyone tells you, it is tough going at the moment. You need to remember the fact that she sacrificed to be with you but you also need to decide whether you love her or not because if you do not, you need to move on!