HELP PLEASE! Fell down Rabbit Hole (long)

[JadeIse]

I am 28 years old. Let me give you some background to understand me so as to understand my problem better. I hate my job at a cancer dr's office to the brink of clinical insanity and I have other things going on such as the death of Mr. Perfect's father in our 2nd year together, followed 6 months later by my mother's sudden diagnosis and death from cancer coupled with my father being placed in a nursing home for Alzheimer's disease the same time, and an aunt diagnosed with lung cancer recently showed disease progression and probably does not have much time to live based on what I've learned working where I do and the rest of the family doesn't realize how immenent her passing probably is. I had an unpleasant sexual encounter in the past with her son my cousin (the family knows, but most feel I should let it go because it's family and it was years ago) that has made it difficult for me to be around him and I dread the funeral as I dreaded my mother's. (This time Mr. Perfect may not be there to hold my hand through it) I'm losing my mind working where I work because I get treated like dirt and it reminds me of my third boyfriend. I have spent my life in "long-term" relationships since I was 15. I have dated 4 guys seriously at this point. My first boyfriend, controlling. My second, a real nice guy aka boring. My third boyfriend was very abusive. (From one extreme to another) I have only begun to purge myself of the horrific things that he put me through. My fourth boyfriend (part of this present issue) has been a pleasant mix of boyfriends 1-3's greater qualities with a few unique ones of course. He's everything a girl could ask for. He's cute, he keeps in shape, he cooks and cleans without being asked all the time (I barely have to lift a finger, I had it made.) a perfect gentleman in every aspect and a tiger in the bedroom to boot. In the past I've had problems where I would develop feelings for my boyfriend's best friends. I don't know if there's a syndrome for this or how many people have it, but I certainly do. I can't help buy see the qualities that I love in my current lover as well as a few I have yet to explore and the curiosity drives me crazy. In the past it's always been the beginning of the end and this time was no exception...Oh yes, I fell for Mr. Perfect's much less perfect and somewhat of a loser but a hot and possible completely compatible best friend.
So if boyfriend 4 is Mr. Perfect. His friend is Mr. Average. If you play the pros-cons game and go down the list Mr. Average can't compete with Mr. Perfect. Mr. Perfect always knew I found Mr. Average attractive though I tried not to. Mr. Perfect has had trust issues from his past and from witnessing some not so shining moments in mine (picture the love of your life being witness to your most wildest sexual fantasies while courting you for himself, not pretty.) He was uncomfortable with me being around Mr. Average. It made me more curious instead of what it should have done which is make me say I'm not even going to go there. I allowed Mr. Average to show me himself a bit. I allowed myself to see his redeeming qualities. Why was I looking? It grew to the point of obsession. I would check Mr. Perfect's facebook to find out what Mr. Average was doing and fantasizing about what it would be like to kiss Mr. Average. What it would be like to be in a relationship with someone who shared a similar thought process to my own. Mr. Perfect gets me very well and possibly better than anyone else could,but listening to Mr. Average talk I heard myself. Mr. Average recently broke up with his girlfriend (this wasn't the catalyst as most of the time I've known him he was single,) however, the emotions of the breakup coupled with the fact that I went with my boyfriend to go comfort his inconsolable friend only fueled the fire and I couldn't STOP thinking about him almost all the time. There was what Mr. Perfect has described as chemistry between Mr. Average and me, although he tried to ignore it at the time in an attempt to be more trusting of me. I never thought about him during sex because while there is a physical attraction it's the emotional stuff I'm curious about. Mr. Average apparently has never sexually satisfied a woman and that's an important thing for me. Mr. Perfect, well...as I said he's Mr. Perfect and a tiger in the bedroom. Now Mr. Perfect and I are broken up, broken hearted and trying to be mature about a very immature situation (Mr. Perfect and Mr. Average are both 23, they were college buddies and Mr. Average is Mr. Perfect's only and greatest friend). We're still living together as neither can afford to move out and we will screw ourselves financially if we leave before our lease is up. We still love each other; still having phenomenal sex and we're both in a lot of pain over this, but he's being extremely cool about it. He, of course, can't give his consent for me to pursue Mr. Average and pretty much threatens emotional revenge by sleeping with and seducing other women that he knows would really hurt me should I attempt anything. I didn't mean to fall for Mr. Average (KICKER: Mr. Average is completely oblivious to ALL of it.), but I feel that the doubts and questions that I have about my relationship with Mr. Perfect need to be explored and Mr. Average being the object of my attention has the answers that I'm looking for. I love Mr. Perfect and can't bear to watch him hurt. I'm playing a dangerous game of trying to balance the scales. I'm trying to hold on to Mr. Perfect because I really think that I could probably spend the rest of my life with him if it weren't for my questions. I have questions about Mr. Average that I also really feel I need answered. I can't knowingly stay in the relationship with Mr. Perfect and wait until 10 years from now when I decide that he's NOT the "one". But I don't see Mr. Average being all that great. Yeah, I know that he has great qualities and most of his detriments are current circumstance which is changable. I don't know what he stands for at his core and I don't know if we're as compatible with each other as I seem to think we are, but I gotta know for sure or it would only resurface later. If I pursue Mr. Average, I probably lose Mr. Perfect forever and this civil breakup gets ugly really fast to the point where I could lose my home and my car also. If I don't pursue Mr. Average, I've still lost Mr. Perfect until I can figure a way to overcome my doubts without tasting the forbidden fruit. (I swear that Eve and Pandora were in my direct bloodline.) I feel awful about myself and the last 4 days since the breakup I've locked myself in my house and pretty much let the rest of my life start to come tumbling down around me.

IN CONCLUSION: My heart is torn between trying to patch things up with Mr. Perfect from here as we are still "dating" just not committed and trying to find answers to my doubts (that I feel may be allow me to love Mr. Perfect with the intensity with which he loves me, but at the expense of having to let me be with Mr. Average and all that comes with that.) Moreover, is it fair of me to pursue Mr. Average, from Mr. Average's standpoint? I think he's a great guy with more than a few problems and a few faults. I feel he needs me where Mr. Perfect doesn't. I feel a lot of things about Mr. Average and can't shake them. Do I throw away everything I had (even though we broke up there's still a chance so long as I don't pursue Mr. Average. Anyone else fine. Just not HIM.) for something I think will most likely be mediocre for the slim chance that it might be what I've been needing my whole life? My curiosity has landed me in freefall down the rabbit hole. I hope that someone can perhaps point me in the right direction seeing as how all the arrows point in opposite directions with no sign to say which way's right.

please help...
Alice Doesn't Like "Wonder"land

[Caprice]

How...awkward. I couldn't imagine having stayed with my bf when he broke up with me. We were in a similar situation, but my name wasn't on the lease. I ran for the hills and left him to deal with it. I'm just a little cruel.

What I suggest is setting your feelings aside for both of them right now. Stop thinking about them and think about YOU. Carefully consider your goals. What do you want to do with your life right now? Work, school, moving? Write it all down, when you think of something else you want to do write it down. Make sure that none of the goals revolve around anyone except for yourself. List anything, even ones you -know- are impossible.

When you're satisfied with the list read over it again and ask yourself if you can really see either one of them being part of the equation. This will call for a calm mind, try to be as unbias as possible. The fact you want him but are still calling him Mr. Average tells me you should be able to do it, even though it'll be difficult.

Once you're done, see which one fits better into your life and what you are looking forward to. If it's Mr. Perfect, then obviously Average isn't worth it and you need to let it go. If it's Average, then obviously Perfect isn't as Perfect as you want him to be.

Also, if they're really that great of friends it's not very likely that Mr. Average will be comfortable with any sort of relationship with you.

[anonymous111]

i recommend making your list during a week-long vacation at the beach. go out at night and do things a single woman would do. ie temporarly detach yourself completely from your current romantic, work, and family situations. then come back with your mind made up and ready to tackle all of your ISSUES one at a time. death is a part of life. its unavoidable. stressing over it happening is just making you fall at a faster rate. take a vacation, and use it as a parachute to gently lower you to the ground before you hit the bottom and explode.

[dancing_through_life]

Just a side note; you want it to work with Mr. perfect because he's perfect, yes, But that doesnt mean you won't find someone else with those qualities! He's obviously not perfect for you as you're having this conversation in the first place! If you're attracted or even curious about someone else why not see how it turns out? Someone once told me, if you push someone away and they come back, its meant to be. If mr. perfect is still there when you've satisfied your curiousity and explored life instead of being in constant relationships, then you'll know hes the one! I hope it all works out for you, and sorry you're feeling so down now!

[Lovesickidiot]

Hi,

Thanks for your post.
First of all you should find yourself another job immediately if you are unhappy as it makes no sense to stay where you are!

Secondly, I feel that you should leave both of these guys alone as you will end up hurting them and maybe yourself too.
For whatever reason, either maturity or issues from your childhood or parents relationship, you do not seem to know what you want. You think that you may do but what you seek in a guy just doesnt exist! Unfortunately cracks appear in everyone once you get to know them.
You need to take a good look at yourself and try to figure out who you are and why you carry on in this manner. Only when you find the reason will you be able to move forward.
I mean this with the best of intentions and if you need councelling, get it while you can!