advice please

[polgara]

I have been with my partner 13 years and have 2 children together plus 2 older children from my previous marriage.

Most of our relationship has been great - apart from 9 years ago - when I was pregnant with our first child - he left me for another woman who he met at work. When he first left I did everything to try and get him back - some nice things - some pretty nasty (I was desperate). Eventually I gave up and started to try and get on with my life and that was when he contacted me and pleaded with me to have him back. I agreed to this - and after some bumpy times - due to my jealousy our relationship got back on track.

3 years ago we decided to sell our home in England and move to his native country of France to give us and the children a better lifestyle. I owned the house in England solely, but we bought the house here together and it is in both of our names. We also got married nearly two years ago.

We have lived here now for 18 months and were still trying to get the house finished (a lot of renovation is needed). The kids are settled in school and I thought we both liked the area although it is rather remote. My savings and profit from the house in England have now run out - and my partner has been unable to find a job locally.

A couple of months back I had a month's job opportunity back in the UK which (with the agreement of my partner) I took as we needed the money. Things were fine on my return and the money helped may bills ect.

Unfortunately about 3.5 weeks ago I had to return to the UK again as my young nephew died. I was there nearly 2 weeks waiting for the funeral and supporting his mother.
Whilst there I spoke to my partner everyday on the phone and things seemed ok.

However when I returned things just didn't feel right and my partner started behaving strangely. Firstly he flirted with the neighbour and told me that he had been trying to break their marriage up whilst I was away. The next day when I asked him if anything had gone on with the neighbour or whether he wanted something to happen he said nothing had happened but he wanted it too. We had a big arguement but then he wanted to 'make up' and said that he had lied and that he didn't fancy the neighbour and had only said it because he thought we were going to have an arguement anyways. We did make up - at his request and I tried not to be too jealous - this (because of our past is a very sensative subject for me). I did keep asking him for reassurance that he loved and wanted to be with me which he gave.

A couple of days after this he then announced that he was depressed - started crying on the phone with his sister and saying that he felt like he didn't want to live anymore.

His sister blamed me and said to me that I must have done something in England. His parents who were also involved kept asking to come to Paris to work (about 5 hrs from where we live) and stay with them.

Again we tried to make up - but then he started to apply for jobs in Paris. One which he has now got. He initally told me that he needed this job to improve his chances of getting a job locally and would return home every weekend. He is due to start the job this coming Monday and had planned to leave for Paris on Sunday. In addition to this our 2 youngest children were meant to be going away for 3 weeks with his parents on their annual holiday.

However yesterday he then tells me - just 3 hours after saying he loved and wanted to be with me - that he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me and wasn't sure if he loved me. We once again had a big arguement and I said some silly things and also phoned his parents to say the kids would not be going away with them.

After a few hours of arguing we started to discuss things a little more rationally (at my behest) and he agreed to try and work things out between us. However, his idea of working things out is to have his parents pick him up to drop him to the train station and leave for Paris today. He now says he needs some space.

I realised I had probably acted unfairly re the kids holiday so I allowed them to go with his parents.

He has now left - saying he will phone this evening - but not saying when or if he will return. I am now stuck in rural france - alone for 3 weeks until the kids return - with little language skills - very little money - and just don't know where I stand.

Despite all this - I still love the twat and want to be with him - although I do think the longer this goes on, the less I will feel that.

I just don't know where I stand Very hurt, angry, lonely and miserable.

Any thoughts and advice would be most welcome.

[faith]

This emotional roller-coaster has got to be taking it's toll on you! Not to mention your children as well!

imo he sounds very unstable--emotionally--and any time someone makes suicidal statements--ie "I don't want to live anymore" it's time for some much needed therapy!

If I were you I would speak to his family & be quite honest abt his behavior being very irratic--they seem close to him & maybe they would be willing to listen and offer some constructive help? That being, of course, not allowing him to blame it on you--but taking the responsiblility and going to counseling

[polgara]

Hi again, and thank you for your response. Yes it is an emotional roller coaster - thankfully I don't think the kids are aware of it and are now on holiday for 3 weeks - so touch wood

In a normal world I would probably agree and speak to his family - but tbh I feel, in my heart of hearts, that they are often the route of the problems. Without going into full details - his family have a whole raft of relationship problems themselves and are not the most 'normal' of people. His parents are seperated (and have been for years) although they still go on holiday together and live together most weekends. His sister is a emtionally immature and lives in some sort of fantasty world where all her problems are caused by someone else. She is also a liar and likes to stir trouble (which is what concerned me when she said that I MUST have done something whilst I was in England to cause this) - god knows what she has been saying to my partner!

Also I (rightly or wrongly - probably wrongly) have checked his emails with his family and discovered that whilst I was away (and he was probably feeling a tad bored and lonely) his mother was bombarding him with emails asking him why he was 'sad' all the time - why he wouldn't speak to her, why didn't they have a close mother/son relationship, she was so sad... etc etc. From where I stand it slightly feels like she planted the 'I'm depressed' idea in his head - when the only problem at that time was he was missing me and feeling bored and lonely.

I also know that he has (before he mentioned to me) told his parents that he had doubts about our relationship and their response was for him to come and live with them in Paris and get a job there. (This is also something they have been 'nagging' him about since we moved to France.) In my opinion, anyone in their right mind who had a friend or son come to them saying he/she had problems with their relationship (and there were kids involved) would encourage them to try and work things out - not come back to momma and pappa!

Personally, I would like to think that the biggest problem we have is the lack of jobs locally, the lack of money, the house not being finished and the resulting stress that this all causes. In addition to this, France is the Country of paperwork and red-tape, and if, like we have been , you are reluctantly forced to claim any benefits over here your life is made a nightmare by the authorities and this has had to be dealt with mainly by my partner because of my lack of French.

However, as I said that is what I would like to think - but after what has been said etc, I am no longer sure and also feel that as a couple we should be working this out together - not him running of and leaving us (kids and me) to deal with it whilst he works away - probably enjoying having no responsibility, meeting peeps at work and trying to have a social life without us (yes I am a tad bitter there)!

To be honest - I am no angel when it comes to arguements - I usually give as good as I get - if not more. The thing he doesn't seem to understand is the only reason I do that is because I am hurt and insecure and it is like a defence mechanism within me. I would rather try and sort things out rationally - but at present he seems to have mentally blocked off all the good bits of our relationship and is solely concentrating on the bad (real or imagined) and it just doesn't feel like he will give an inch. His way or no way - and I have no say in what he decides.

I just don't know what to do

PS. He didn't phone last night as he said he would - I ended up texting him asking if he was going to as it was getting late, and he then reluctantly called me. The phone call went fine - and we finished it by saying we loved each other - how odd is that?