What is going on?!

[Lexie9]

I hate to make this such a long post but it's very complicated. I have a five year old son with my ex. We broke up when he was about a year old. Our relationship wasn't bad, we just weren't compatible. We are two completely different people in many different ways. He's very negative and has no emotions and seemed to always have something else to do. I was always the positive, outgoing, happy one that stayed home and wanted nothing more than time with my family. I ended it with him about 4 years ago because I couldn't take it anymore. I had given everything I could give and there was no response. Not to mention the fact that he was never around. We were able to live comfortably with the money we made but he always wanted more. Whether this was an excuse or not, I'll never know because this side work (most of the time) consisted of going and working on his buddies bikes with a 12 pack and making a stop off at the bar before getting home. The main issue is that I was raised in an environment full of arguing. My parents were unhappy and never got along and finally divorced when I was 17. I did not want to raise my son in an environment for these crucial years of his life where there is no love or happiness so I ended it. So...a year and a half later I met someone. After some time, we got together. As soon as this happened, my son's dad wanted nothing to do with me. We were okay as friends as long as I was single but as soon as I met this guy, it was over. That relationship failed as well after about 2 and a half years. After that...another bad short-lived relationship followed (I had an issue with being alone...I always wanted a family so I was always looking). Anyways, so I have been single for almost a year now and have really learned a lot about myself. My son's father and I had a great friendship this whole time and I thought things were looking up. I ran into an old friend a couple months ago and we have been kind of talking but not trying to jump to any conclusions so we've kept it to ourselves. I am still single and plan on staying single for a while so I feel that there is no need to advertise our dating situation at the moment. I am not involved with my son's dad in any way other than as friends and have told him that I had no plans in being involved with him like that. Last night, he found out that I have been talking to this friend of mine and we have been going out every once in a while and he wants nothing to do with me now. He used to tell me all the time how wrong I was because all I wanted was a loving RELATIONSHIP in someone and he was right in what he was doing because he just has one night stands a couple times a week. I don't understand that one and I never have. Then when I explained to him that I am still single, just dating this friend of mine and hanging out when it is convenient (when my son is with his father and I have nothing to do) all of the sudden, I am a wh*re! So that is the main situation, but here is the big problem. When we first broke up and I got with someone else, we shared custody. I still, to this day, have no idea what he said to my son but my son has resented me ever since. He definitely looks up to his dad because he's got the Harley's and that lifestyle going for him and I'm apparently just not as cool as him...fine! But...I really feel that my sons father has put it into my son's head that this is my fault. My son will sometimes ask us why we can't just live together...my response is along the lines of "sometimes two people don't get along in one household together and we are all happier living this way" or something like that. His response is "Because YOUR MOM doesn't want us to live together". I'm the bad guy! I know my son is 5 and one day he will understand but in the mean time, it's killing me! What I think this comes down to is selfishness. What I need to know is if I am wrong and selfish for wanting to be happy because I believe it is important, not just for me, but for my son to see that he can be happy too. Or is he wrong and selfish for wanting us to be back together and if thats not going to happen, he's not going to be cool with me? Please help me figure out what is really going on and what I can do to fix this!! Thanks!

[faith]

Hun, your little boy loves his dad, sees him as his male role model, looks up to him, is proud of him--these are all healthy, normal, and good for him! His dad's cool, loves him, spends time with him--and their time together is FUN time--this is also normal!
But there is one thing his father will NEVER be & that is the mother he loves/adores--who nurtures him, is there for him, kissed his cuts and scrapes, loves him in a way that no-one else ever will! You will NEVER be hated by this little boy & every woman he ever meets will be compared to you--you have to hide your anger with his dad & not tell him what a jerk his father is--regardless of how much you'd love too!.....
I also left my sons father when he was very little--only 4 months old--and for many of the same reasons you mentioned--add to that he was VERY controlling & though he never laid a hand on me he frightened the heck out of me enough to not wait around for what I knew was inevitable if I stayed!...I too was the bad guy as far as his father was concerned--but some things are better left to be explained when you're talking to your son in 15 or 20 yrs from now! until then--let him have his perfect dad--he needs that in his life & by not telling him now that his dad is the bad guy--you are making this sacrifice for your son's mental well being
As far as his father is concerned--if you have actual proof of him saying these things--you can always go back to court and demand parenting classes you can amend your agreement at any time!

I hope this helps?

[Lexie9]

You are absolutely right. I am lucky that his father is very much a part of his life and that he is a great father. I definitely don't put him down in front of my son. I guess the waiting period is the hardest! Thank you for you help! I guess I just needed to be reminded how important a mother is to their little boy, even though he may not always show it! Thanks again, it is greatly appreciated!

[faith]

Any time hun
It's not easy...and I'd like to tell you it gets easier--but I'd be fibbing Being a single mom is deff. one of the toughest jobs in the world & especially when you want to be the appreciated & fun one--instead you are the grouchie one who makes him pick up his toys, go to bed on time, and eat his peas --while dad will be the playmate/buddy
Hang in there & be strong--you're doing a great job!

btw--the answer you gave your son--was excellent and very appropriate for his age